25.05.25
my baby sister got married to the love of her life!
but i'm only able to process what it means a week after - my nose was so stuffed and my head was heavy the whole of the wedding. i'm glad i survived. yet i'm also thankful that i was so sick because it meant i was physically not able to cry because i might have passed out.
the wedding was great / thank God for great weather / the photos turned out great / no major drama or issues apart from a groomsman who had to buy a suit at 2pm because he genuinely was not intending to wear a suit to the wedding / the father didn't hand over my sister to her husband properly so that was a bit off too but overall i would rate it a 9 out of 10
then the emotions - where do i begin
i'm genuinely happy for her but i've learnt that one can also carry deep sadness alongside happiness. emotions don't contra each other out unlike in general ledgers. i'm so happy she's getting what she wants; to marry the love of her life yet there's a dull ache
the sadness is multi-fold; and it's cheeky. one moment you think you're ok; the next moment it hits you like you've inhaled wasabi bringing tears to your eyes. the many thoughts that hit:
- i'm losing a sister / roomie / playmate / the one whom i've always shared a room with for the past 29 years. her husband will take my place now.
- when will it be my turn / i've done all the GCG things / i've tried my best but why isn't it my turn yet
- feels like she's moved on to the next phase of life while i'm still stuck here
- frustration because i wish so hard that things would have been different with X and in my mind he seems to be the panacea for this rut that i'm in, no matter how he treated me
i'm only human; so today i said a prayer - i asked God that if it's not for me to be with X, then to take away that desire to be with him and for time to heal. because going back and ruminating on the what ifs and if onlys is not helping with the healing.
“some people feel like they don't deserve love. they walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until its done. It's that easy, and that hard.”
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