milestones or millstones
therapy sessions brought up more questions that i need to think about - what do i really want?
what i want vs what i think i want are two very different concepts.
my therapist sat me down and asked me what i really liked about my life now - i.e. non-negotiables. i like the freedom / the ability to go for walks at 6.50am / making my morning coffee in peace and she was like if you had a kid now there is no way you would be able to do this.
and that hit me.
my dream world was based on milestones that other people my age have hit
and just because i haven't hit them yet / it's something i think i really want to the extent i find and chase after a potential partner who already has a son and house. two things that elude me now which i think would make my life complete. but would they?
so many things to think about / parenting / childcare / mortgage / families / mil / late ex wife / feelings / fights / anxiety
versus the peace i have now. which i am learning to choose. like a moth to a flame i'm attracted to pain and danger. and we did make precious memories that i carry in my heart.
but maybe all i want need now is peace.
“some people feel like they don't deserve love. they walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”
“This is how you do it: you sit down at the keyboard and you put one word after another until its done. It's that easy, and that hard.”
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